What bereaved employees actually need from their manager

When a member of your team is bereaved, the instinct of most managers is to help. The difficulty is not intention, it is knowledge. Most managers simply do not know what to do.

So they default to one of two things: saying something well-meaning that does not land, or saying nothing at all. Both leave the bereaved employee feeling more alone than before.

Research from Canterbury Christ Church University, published in 2024, sheds important light on what bereaved employees actually say they need, not what organisations assume they need, but what the people themselves report makes a genuine difference.

What the research found

The study explored the experiences of bereaved employees and what they found helpful from the people around them at work. The findings were consistent and clear.

What bereaved employees needed was time, listening, and empathy. They needed space to process their grief at their own pace, without pressure to perform a recovery on a timeline that suited the organisation.

Critically, they needed their manager to make a genuine effort to understand what they were going through.

When that happened, when a manager dedicated themselves to truly understanding the employee’s experience rather than managing it from a distance, it substantially alleviated the employee’s distress.

When it did not happen, the opposite was true.

Source: Flux, R. (2024). Canterbury Christ Church University thesis on bereaved employee experiences in the workplace.

What this looks like in practice

Understanding does not require training in grief counselling. It does not require the manager to have experienced loss themselves.

It requires three things: presence, patience, and the willingness to not try to fix what cannot be fixed.

In practice, this means:

Asking how someone is and meaning it. Leaving space for an honest answer rather than accepting ‘I’m fine’ at face value. Checking in again next week, and the week after. Not assuming that because someone looks okay, they are okay. Following the employee’s lead on pace and what they want to talk about.

It also means understanding that grief is not linear. A bereaved employee may appear to be functioning well for several weeks and then find it harder as the numbness lifts. Anniversaries, milestones, and unexpected triggers can resurface grief long after colleagues assume it has passed.

The most common things managers get wrong

None of the following are malicious. They are the result of uncertainty, discomfort, and the very human impulse to make things better. But they are worth knowing about.

Filling the silence. Many managers feel that silence in a difficult conversation signals failure. In reality, silence is often the space in which the other person finds the words. Resist the impulse to fill it.

Offering silver linings. ‘At least you had so much time together’, ‘at least they are no longer in pain’. These statements, however kindly intended, tend to minimise the loss rather than acknowledge it. They communicate, subtly, that the grief should be manageable.

Asking once and leaving it there. Many managers check in once, hear that someone is fine, and consider the job done. Bereaved employees rarely disclose how they are actually doing when asked once, in passing. Sustained, low-pressure contact is what makes the difference.

Treating bereavement leave as the support. Bereavement leave matters, but it is the floor, not the ceiling. The return to work, and the weeks and months that follow, are often when the real difficulty begins.

A note on language

Follow the employee’s own language wherever possible. If they refer to the person who died by name, use that name. If they say ‘my loss’, use that framing. Avoid clinical or corporate language: ‘your bereavement’ can feel cold when someone says ‘my mum’.

It is entirely acceptable to say ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m here’. This is almost always received better than a confident statement that misses the mark.

If you want to go deeper

This post covers the foundations.

I am running a free webinar, Holding the Holders, on 3 July, specifically for managers navigating this kind of work. Details on LinkedIn